Almost Too True To Be Funny

[Liz]

This is from Performance Racing News , the Canadian Motorsport Magazine that is Always Two Months Behind The Curve.

It is quite long, but after watching that disaster of a Long Beach race, I think we can all agree it is Too True....
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"Other" Sports Fans confront Riot Police at ABC with Baseball Bats
and Hockey Sticks

by Fred Upstairs
Performance Racing News

Hello, I'm CART CEO Joseph Hustler, Welcome to Champ Car's new millennium! Our marketing blunders are behind us now, thanks to me, the latest media savvy savior in a dynasty that rivals the proud Toronto Argonaut tradition of bogus NFL draft picks, washed up QBs, and paganistic coaching sacrifices. Please disregard the cancellation of round two in Rio de Janeiro, where 80% of our drivers' fan base and sponsorship originate. We hope you enjoy our vibrant, revamped coverage provided by ABC (Abortive Broadcasting Corporation). A one and a two, take it away boys!

Hello Parker, Hello Paul. Thanks to CART's meticulous preparation and attention to detail, I can assure the viewers that the new track here in Monterrey, Mexico has about as much grip as my great grandmother eating a raw cob of cattle corn while ice racing her pickup truck on NHRA drag slicks. But hey, if you like 800 horsepower projectiles tiptoeing around a sand pit, have we got a show for you! Paul, I understand your favourite driver Mr. Tracy gave the new track his stamp of approval during practice the other day. Yes, that's correct, our Canadian friend was first into the concrete on Friday. There's the green flag and they're under way!

This is TSN home of CART Racing! Hi, I'm Bob; I'm the only one here today. Hey, remember to tune in for our live flag to flag coverage of race one from Monterrey Mex! But first, a TSN commercial featuring all our cute and cuddly delinquent personalities poking fun at each other over how their NCAA women's volleyball picks were way off target. Welcome race fans, we'll be right back to the live action in Mexico, but first let's have a look at last night's Real sports for the 400th time. I must admit that while I am a long-suffering Leaf fan, I can't actually name all 52 NHL teams, but here we go; 5 to 1, 3 to 2 an d7 to 0.

Parker, have you ever seen anything like that? Fernandez, a Mexican from Mexico, driving through the run-off area in Mexico! If only Uncle Bobby were here to make that call! Yes Paul, I've done it myself numerous times. In fact, that is why I am no longer able to acquire employment behind a steering wheel.

Thunderous symphonic introduction: Good afternoon, I'm Ahmad Rashad and I'm Bubbles, a washed up gymnast at the tender age of 18. This is a Wide World of Sports Live Interruption. We will return you to our Live flag to flag coverage of the Monterrey Grand Prix in a moment, but first let's have a look at Real sports. Last night the Snuffmeister was called for traveling! That's correct, I said traveling. That is the first a traveling penalty has been called in the NBA since 1979! As you can imagine, Snuffy went ballistic. He immediately stormed off the court and now refuses to come out of his limo until the referee is fired. Excuse me, Ahmad, the latest report has Snuffy demanding a trade, a recording contract, a bucket of chicken and an apology. Hey man, who can blame him. It's just fortunate there was no gunplay. We will be right back with ABC's award winning Wide World of Interruptions, but first let's check in on our live flag to flag coverage of...what was it we were covering again? Oh yeah, our Live flag to flag coverage of the Monterrey Grand Prix.

PP: Welcome back, we have just cleared up the debris and CART tells us we will be back to racing next lap. I see that this year Team Green have painted the nose of Tracy's car black, so as to distinguish it from the car of Dario Franchitti.

PJ: No, Paul, that is not paint. Paul's nose is actually white. Dario's is orange.

PP: I stand corrected.

The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of Missing Most of the Event. Welcome back to ABC's Wide World of Real Sports! Welcome back, we hope you are enjoying our Live flag to flag coverage of the Monterrey Grand Prix. I'm Ahmad Rashad. And I'm Bubbles. This is a Wide World of Sports Live Interruption. We will return you to our Live flag to flag coverage of the Monterrey Grand Prix in a moment. But first a special Live countdown to the final 40. Over to you Marv Albert at Purdue. Oh my God, are you kidding me! Look it's Jack! Oh no, here's the buzzer, the ball is in the air! Oh baby! Oh baby! Back to you Paul.

PP: Parker, if this is any indication of what the 2001 CART season has in store for us, it should be a dandy. As we discussed earlier, it is going to be declared a timed event. Yes, there is the white flag. Cristiano da Matta takes his first victory for Newman-Haas.

Cue music. Welcome to TSN's Sports Desk! Hope you enjoyed the race. Don't worry, you haven't missed a thing, we have all the highlights from the NBA, the NHL and the Brier as well as NCAA Public School recess softball.

Mrs. Fred Upstairs: Wow, when they say flag to flag, they aren't kidding. As a matter of fact I didn't even see the flag, did you Fred? Dear, I taped the race for posterity on the VCR in our room. You'll be so proud of me. I even took out the commercials and everything. According to the Odometer, the total elapsed viewing time equals four minutes and thirty-five seconds!

Fred: Dear could you get my gun, while I round up a posse? The ammunition is under the bed. If you need me, I'll be at ABC.

[KC]

True.